I was reading problems people were having with people with ADHD. I came across this problem I found on Reddit. I felt conflicted at first, it didn't sound like ADHD to me. I decided to copy and paste the problem here and take one by one everything she was saying and see if ADHD was in fact the problem. Now I have to address that I'm a doctor. I can't diagnose anyone. I don't know this lady or anymore information than what you see.
I (NT, F) have been dealing with incessant fights over the past 4 years with my husband (N-DX, M, likely ADHD + CPTSD) over our 6 year marriage. I am at my wits ends. He picks up fights over the most trivial topics, continues fighting for 3-4 days. Even if he sleeps in between these days, his anger doesn't go away. He believes he has ADHD (some childhood diagnosis, no records), but he definitely doesn't think it contributes to any problem in his life.
This could be ADHD. Having problems you can't explain can restore in showing signs of aggression. Anger in general doesn't just disappear. It may cool off but unless the core of the problem is addressed it just sits there waiting for a moment it can expose itself.
During these fights, he is extremely verbally abusive, talks shit about me, my parents, my past relationships, gaslights me, then calls me an abuser, and what fucking not. Then after his anger dies down, usually after an emotional crying his eyes out about how bad of a life deal he has got, he becomes normal like nothing ever happened. No apology, no acknowledgement, nothing. If I continue to be sad, frustrated, angry about what he said during the fights, it will show in my behavior, which happens often, and that results in another RSD meltdown about how I am not treating him right. So I feel forced to be happy and normal right after these 3 days of onslaught. It's damaging to say the least. Edit to say: he still hyperfocuses on me, talking to/at me, wanting sex, and a lot of attention generally. So it's a lot. Gave it away.
This is hard to explain. I'm on the opposite side of this problem. I am the one who is getting attacked, not the attacker. This might be the first question that is out of my line of expertise. I am aware of people with ADHD lashing out, so I'm going to address this starting with this.
Untreated ADHD is a result of someone not knowing or understanding how ADHD can erode someone emotionally. Emotional dsyregulation is a result of having little to no emotional control over your behavior. Often you are burden with intense feelings. Intense feelings can manifest from having feelings about something being wrong with you that you don't have words to explain. It can manifest from having a long list of things not working out. There is a lot that can happen over a lifetime to exhibit aggression. One too many drinks can easily bring the beast out and have them lash out at anyone in the room. It's common for them to blackout and have no memory of it. It's also common for them not to remember the details to a fight. I have never been able to tell the story word for word.
More times than not, this anger being displayed in front of you has nothing to do with you. You are simply just there. This doesn't make it right. I'm explaining how it could happen. It comes from a feeling like you have no control nor explanation. Your just a ship sinking with no life line. Desperate people do desperate things to get you to pay attention not on what they are saying but to the fact they are drowning. They won't be aware of this because they are too wrapped up with feeling unworthy. They aren't fighting you there fighting themselves. There isn't an easy fix to the problem. You can't began to fix what they don't understand is broken. Emotionally you need to protect yourself from this person. It isn't going to get better anytime in the near future. This would be when therapy would have to come in. Not just any therapist a well known one who understand ADHD and other disorders
So I feel forced to be happy and normal right after these 3 days of onslaught. It's damaging to say the least. Edit to say: he still hyperfocuses on me, talking to/at me, wanting sex, and a lot of attention generally. So it's a lot.
This doesn't sound like ADHD or ADHD RSD. Nothing can shake RSD. That results in feelings of despair, unworthiness', feelings you are the problem.
Attention seeking behaviors can manifest when feeling frustrated mainly due to feelings of unjustified actions. Not feelings of just wanting your attention to make themselves feel better. They know nothing can make them feel better.
Sex? We are an intuitive bunch. I would know if someone felt uncomfortable having sex with me. This is a power play not done with someone with ADHD RSD but someone with Narcissist Personality disorder.
Actually, I have dealt with a couple narcissist people and all signs do point to your husband not having ADHD RSD but narcissist personality disorder.
They will throw you under the bus
You are too blame for everything
They project their problems on to you
They use sex to control you
They will call you every name in the book
There rage is scary
You feel unheard
Once that rage starts to come down - they act like nothing happened.
Your problems are never addressed
They only talk about themselves
They would rather push you in front of a moving car than ever admit something was because of them
If you look hard enough...you will notice they can't produce real tears. All attempts at apologizing are fake they want something else they can't get without smoothing things over with you first.
When there's a target on your back they will stop at nothing to hurt you.
When it comes to anger, we all experience it at some point in our lives. However, for individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), anger takes on a whole new level. Examples of narcissistic rage range from intense outbursts and sudden fits of anger, to passive-aggressive acts such as simmering resentment, icy silence, deliberate neglect, or cutting sarcasm. What distinguishes narcissistic rage from normal anger is that it is usually unreasonable, disproportional, and cuttingly aggressive (or intensely passive-aggressive), all because the narcissists’ wants and wishes are not being catered to. It is a blow to their superficial, self-centered world.
What Causes Narcissistic Rage?
Narcissistic rage is triggered when a narcissist's grandiose sense of self-importance is threatened or undermined. It can be sparked by a variety of situations, such as criticism, perceived rejection, or failure to meet their unrealistic expectations. Narcissists have an insatiable need for admiration and attention, and any perceived threat to their inflated self-image can result in a volcanic eruption of rage.
The Characteristics of Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage is characterized by its intensity and unpredictability. It can escalate quickly and become explosive, leaving those on the receiving end feeling shocked and traumatized. The rage can manifest in various ways:
- Verbal Attacks: Narcissists may unleash a barrage of insults, belittling remarks, and personal attacks. Their words are carefully crafted to inflict maximum damage and undermine the target's self-esteem.
- Physical Aggression: In extreme cases, narcissistic rage can escalate to physical violence. The narcissist may lash out, hitting or throwing objects, endangering the safety of those around them.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Some narcissists prefer to express their rage in more subtle ways. They may give the silent treatment, engage in manipulative tactics, or engage in acts of sabotage to get back at those they perceive as a threat.
The Impact of Narcissistic Rage
Narcissistic rage can have severe consequences for both the narcissist and those in their orbit. The targets of their rage often suffer emotional and psychological trauma, experiencing feelings of fear, shame, and worthlessness. The relationships with the narcissist may become strained or even irreparable.
For the narcissist themselves, the rage serves as a defense mechanism to protect their fragile ego. It allows them to maintain their grandiose self-image and avoid confronting their deep-seated insecurities. However, this cycle of rage and aggression ultimately perpetuates their own unhappiness and isolation.
Seeking Help for Narcissistic Rage
Recognizing and addressing narcissistic rage is crucial for both the narcissist and those affected by their behavior. Therapy, particularly specialized treatment for NPD, can provide individuals with the tools to manage their anger and develop healthier coping mechanisms. It is important to remember that change is possible, but it requires a willingness to confront one's own flaws and work towards personal growth.
Understanding narcissistic rage sheds light on the dark side of narcissism. It is a destructive force that wreaks havoc on relationships and perpetuates the narcissist's own unhappiness. By seeking help and addressing the root causes of their rage, individuals with NPD can embark on a journey towards healing and healthier interpersonal connections.
