The Emotional Rollercoaster of Living with ADHD
As someone living with adult ADHD, I've often found myself in situations where my emotions seem to be on a never-ending rollercoaster. One moment, I'm filled with boundless energy and enthusiasm, and the next, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of intense sadness or frustration. It's a reality that many people with ADHD face, but one that is often misunderstood or even dismissed by those who haven't experienced it firsthand.
The Battle Within
I have an ongoing battle with myself. My emotions are like a magnifying glass, intensifying every feeling I have. When I try to express how I feel, it's hard to convey just how strong these emotions are. Imagine taking any emotion you can think of and doubling it. It may sound dramatic, but intense emotions are inherently dramatic. I don't like having intense emotions, and never have, because they cause me so many problems. The worst part is knowing that you can't control your emotions after a certain point.
The Struggle for Understanding
There's a real sense of shame when you realize you're different and can't seem to communicate your point effectively. On the spot, I never seem to have the answers anyone is looking for. Society often labels people like me as emotionally immature, toxic, having low self-esteem, or lacking emotional intelligence. These labels sting and isolate, making it hard to feel understood or valued.
The Impact of BPD and ADHD on Emotional Dysregulation
While many associate emotional dysregulation with borderline personality disorder (BPD), it’s a common feature of ADHD too. This overlap makes it challenging to find a diagnosis that fits and to get the right help. I enjoyed the freedom of not being labeled, feeling a sense of individuality. It doesn't matter if anyone else knows; what matters is that I know. This blog was partly born out of my need to work through my emotions and help others understand.
The Unfairness of ADHD
Don't get me wrong, I have issues with ADHD. This blog is about telling the truth, good or bad. My frustration with ADHD isn't about the diagnosis itself; it's about my negative attitude towards it. Here's a snippet of a conversation that changed my perspective:
The doctor: Your son has ADHD.
Me: What?
The doctor: He got it from either you or your husband.
Me: What?
Me (in my mind): It's me.
Seeing my son mirror my traits, albeit with more severe ADHD, made me realize how our journeys differ. Despite facing unique challenges, he reflects my struggles, showing how deeply intertwined our paths are.
The Misdiagnosis Nightmare
I’ve been through enough. When I said I had ADHD, no one supported me, possibly because of my previous diagnoses: bipolar disorder, BPD, anxiety disorder, major depression, and general mood disorder. My family’s skepticism is understandable. When my son was diagnosed with ADHD, my assessment wasn’t validated. The doctor, unaware of my background, diagnosed me with bipolar disorder again, despite my protests.
Seeking Help and Finding Rejection
For three years, I took various medications that didn't help. When I sought treatment for ADHD, I was rejected by the doctor, who seemed more interested in discrediting my self-assessment. The experience made me feel cursed. It wasn’t just about a negative mindset; it was a fact that I had the diagnosis from a local testing facility. However, they didn’t manage medications, so I had to find a doctor experienced with ADHD.
The Struggle with Medication
I wasn't looking for sympathy, just a path to manage my ADHD. But the doctor's rejection felt like a personal attack. Despite having no flagged records or medical releases from out of state, the doctor knew nothing about me except that I wanted ADHD treatment. I felt like I had to convince him of my condition, which made no sense given my prior assessment.
The Emotional Fallout
The emotional fatigue from this battle is immense. Coupled with my mother's unexpected arrival and verbal attacks, I sought expert help. My husband's disapproval of my mother's visit added to the stress, as her manipulative behavior threatened our marriage. I thought I was there to set up my prescriptions and therapy appointments, but I wasn't prepared for the doctor's dismissal.
Feeling Ashamed and Misunderstood
I don’t have the ability to calm myself down easily. This lack of control brings shame and helplessness. Self-help books often simplify emotional management into those who can and those who can't control their emotions. But I refuse to be defined by my emotions. I am a force to be reckoned with, a wild spirit unbound by societal expectations.
The Power of Emotions
Emotions are an internal battle for me. I feel before I think. This intense emotional experience is hard to explain, but it holds immense power over me. Criticism pierces my core, leading to self-doubt and isolation. My vulnerability often results in harsh reactions to protect myself.
Struggling with Self-Acceptance
Becoming self-aware wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. Admitting my emotional struggles took courage. I have had a hard time accepting this part of myself. My emotions can be so intense that they control me, making me feel wrong and helpless. This brings a lot of shame. At one point, I became numb and kept everyone at a distance to cope, even if it meant being perceived as cold and reserved.
Societal Expectations and Personal Truths
People often fear expressing what works best for them due to societal rules. Going against these rules can lead to labels like troubled, toxic, or bad. It’s easier for people to say I’m wrong than to understand my perspective. But facing the truth is essential for survival, and I need help to navigate this journey. I can't do it alone, and I've tried countless times. The fear of another failure is unbearable, but I refuse to give up. My determination surpasses all obstacles.
ADHD Emotional Intensity
ADHD is often characterized by its impact on attention, focus, and impulsivity, but the emotional component is a crucial aspect that is often overlooked. Individuals with ADHD tend to experience emotions more intensely than their neurotypical counterparts. This emotional dysregulation can manifest in a variety of ways, from sudden mood swings to heightened sensitivity to external stimuli.
For me, it's like my emotions are constantly on high alert, ready to respond to the slightest trigger. A minor setback can send me into a tailspin of frustration, while a small success can elicit an overwhelming sense of joy. This emotional intensity can be both a blessing and a curse, as it allows me to deeply connect with the world around me, but it can also be exhausting and overwhelming at times.
Navigating Relationships with ADHD
One of the most challenging aspects of living with ADHD-related emotional dysregulation is navigating relationships. The unpredictability of my emotions can be confusing and even off-putting to those who don't understand what I'm going through. I've had friends and family members express frustration or concern when I've reacted strongly to seemingly minor situations, not realizing that my emotional response is a symptom of my ADHD.
It's important to remember that our emotional intensity is not a choice, but a neurological reality. We don't mean to be "overly sensitive" or "dramatic"; we're simply experiencing the world in a different way. Learning to communicate this to our loved ones and educate them about the realities of ADHD can be crucial in building understanding and strengthening our relationships.
Strategies for Managing Emotional Dysregulation
While the emotional intensity of ADHD can be challenging, there are strategies and techniques that can help us better manage our emotions and find a sense of balance.
Mindfulness and Meditation
Practicing mindfulness and meditation can be incredibly helpful in developing self-awareness and the ability to regulate our emotions. By learning to observe our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can develop the skills to pause, take a deep breath, and respond to situations in a more measured way.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT is a form of therapy that can be particularly effective for individuals with ADHD. By helping us identify and challenge negative thought patterns, CBT can empower us to reframe our emotional responses and develop more constructive coping mechanisms.
Medication Management
In some cases, medication can be a valuable tool in managing the emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD. Stimulant medications, for example, can help to stabilize mood and improve emotional regulation. It's important to work closely with a healthcare provider to find the right medication and dosage for your individual needs.
Building a Support Network
Surrounding ourselves with understanding and supportive individuals can make a significant difference in our ability to navigate the emotional challenges of ADHD. Whether it's a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend or family member, having a safe space to express our feelings and receive validation can be incredibly empowering.
Embracing the Intensity
While the emotional intensity of ADHD can be overwhelming at times, it is also a unique and valuable part of who we are. Our heightened sensitivity allows us to experience the world in a profound and meaningful way, and our passion and enthusiasm can be a source of inspiration for those around us.
By learning to understand and embrace our emotional intensity, we can harness its power to enrich our lives and relationships. It's a journey of self-discovery and growth, but one that is ultimately worth the effort.
Celebrating the ADHD Experience
So, to my fellow ADHD warriors, I encourage you to celebrate your emotional intensity. Acknowledge it, work to manage it, but never let it dim the vibrant, passionate, and deeply feeling person that you are. Together, we can change the narrative and show the world the true beauty of the ADHD experience.
